Using Neutral Language
During a problem-solving process, the language used when asking questions, making comments, or summarizing can have a significant impact on trust and cooperation when working towards an agreement. Some general guidelines for student mediators using neutral language are provided in a lesson from the SCORE program on building trust (see SCORE program coordinator’s manual).
1. Try not to ask questi ons that sound like you are placing blame. Avoid asking, “Why did you…” or “Why didn’t you…” Instead, if you need to know why, try asking, “Could you tell us more about…”
2. Try not to tell people what you think they should or should not have done, because this may sound like you are judging them. For example, “Friends shouldn’t treat each other that way.” Instead, try asking an open-ended question like, “How do you think your friend feels about what happened?”
3. Try not to sound like a lawyer in a courtroom. Interrogating a party may make them feel defensive. For example, “Where were you when Missy’s locker was broken
into?” Instead, remember that you do not have to prove what each side did, and
neither do they.Remember, you are not being neutral if you tell people how you think they should solve their problems. It’s important for the disputants to have ownership in their solutions. Avoid questions like, “Why don’t you give her back the iPod?” Instead, give the parties the responsibility and opportunity to solve the problem by asking, “How do you think this could be resolved?”
The free SCORE program guides developed by the Massachusetts Attorney General’s Office for their SCORE (Student Conflict Resolution Experts) program provide additional exercises designed to teach this important skill.
Of course, adults will also want to master the ability to use neutral language rather than choosing words that project blame and create defensiveness. When communication is clear, people feel more confident they can talk to each other about almost anything, including disagreements or sensitive issues, and still feel good will and connection. This often means using “I” rather than “you” messages, checking assumptions, describing feelings with appropriate feeling words (“angry,” “worried”) instead of blame-words (“criticized,” “manipulated”), and using language that describes behaviors rather than characterizing people negatively. A well-known model for this kind of communication is provided by Marshall Rosenberg and the Center for Nonviolent Communication.
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